Shopping Is The New Cardio

Cardio adjustment: Walk to gym, purchase smoothie. Walk to bus, ride to office. After work, walk to Saks to take annual look at self in 3 way mirror. Horrified, begin light cardio at gym tomorrow. While I’m here, begin pre - birthday shopping cardio. Walk around entire 5th floor, try not to pause. Pause at denim section. Pick up many pairs of jeans, sprint to fitting room. Pulling on distressed jeans. Hudson, J Brand too tight; made many attempts to pull them up, but won’t get past my calves. Seven jeans made it up after many attempts, extra exertion trying to keep foot from going through holes in pants. Try on other random jeans, which look like the ones I already have. All jeans look awful due to horrendous expansion of ass. Try on cute special event fashion night in New York T shirt to benefit 911 victims. Exit fitting room, purchase T shirt and Seven jeans with most holes. Marvel about how I just spent the most money on the least amount of material. Rationale “You’re going to die, you can’t get an apartment, you might as well spend it all.” Not to mention the annual “It’s my birthday week; Happy Birthday to Me”. Go to ladies room, walk down escalator 5 flights, trying not to stop anywhere. Almost out of store, Chanel nail polish called to me. Kept going. Up 5th avenue. Leggings in Bendel’s window. Went in, lap around table with leggings. Lace, leather, zippered denim, black, navy, tights with sequins on front only (stupid); prices much too high for leggings; gasp, exit Bendel’s. Outside Bendels, get accosted by 2 con men/thugs pretending to sell their about to become a hit rap CD, asking for donations. Told them to screw off; how many calories did that burn? Traumatized by thugs, speed walked to Bergdorf’s. Had to go to 5F, just to see. Made revolution around, starting with shoes (gorgeous fringed boots by Joie; when did they start making boots?) Had to check out DVF. Found animal print/camouflaged leggings. Tried them on; made huge ass seem less horrific; Happy birthday to me. Noticed cute white Marc Jacobs Tee Shirt; kept going. Rode escalator down to basement. Chanel nail polishes called to me again. Met company rep who tried to make me over. Instead purchased new fall nail polishes. Happy birthday to me. Rep sent me back to Bendel’s to get last 2 Lilac polishes that Bergdorf's just sold out of. Almost made birthday appointment for makeover, but didn’t. Ran back to Bendels, past thugs, told them again to screw off. Climbed steps to Chanel makeup counter, bought polishes. Happy birthday to me. Walked home, muttering “What the hell have I done?” added up purchases, walked faster, in disbelief. Unpacked purchases. Happy birthday to me. Note to self: stick to treadmill and city. Walking in stores is too dangerous.