90something Degree Rant

It’s easy to understand why so many angry comics come from New York. Fifth Avenue was a parking lot, and after waiting 20 minutes for a bus, I walked 22 blocks. I finally caught up with a bus; eight blocks from my office, only to find my Metrocard expired a day early, due to the fare increase. To celebrate this increase, the MTA decided to cut several bus routes and not tell anybody. Like the chorus in a Greek tragedy, other frustrated passengers chimed in, “They think no one will notice.” Why would anyone notice standing at a crowded bus stop for 45 minutes in 90-degree heat, that their regular bus was nowhere in sight? I wandered into Starbucks, where the wait was longer than at the DMV. I stood in line like a fool, wondering why the tour bus folks always use the Starbucks bathroom. They never buy anything. Is this part of the tour? Get out at Starbucks, use restroom, and return to bus. The barista smiled and repeated a new mantra: “If it’s not perfect, I’ll be happy to make it again.” “This isn’t what I ordered. I wanted a venti non-fat ice decaf with sugar free hazelnut. This is too small. Not to mention I could have renewed my drivers license in less time than it took to get this wrong beverage.” The smile turned into a scowl. “The ticket says grande.” “Well, I didn’t say grande.” The barista growled, turned around, poured more coffee and added ice. Which gave me time to wonder why the smallest thimble sized beverages are called “tall”. “Why the attitude? It’s not like you had to go to Columbia, ride on the back of a donkey with Juan Valdez, and pick coffee beans in stifling substandard conditions. You changed a cup and added ice. At least tell people the truth-it it’s not perfect, I’ll make it again, but I’ll glare at you and you’ll be lucky if I don’t spit in it.” She looked like she wanted to shoot me. Has anyone ever noticed that if you take the i out of “barista”, replace it with a d, and scramble the letters, it spells “bastard”? Put that on your recycled cups.