Impending broke-ness: Blessing in disguise or karmic retribution? Only G-d knows for sure. I walk by my perpetually noisy fridge. This week, it decided to add an occasional, earsplitting BANG! to the already loud clatter and buzz. It was as if it knew that something had gone terribly wrong. I walked by it and said, “You whine louder and more often than I do. You can make all the noise you want. I’m very sorry, but no food for you!” I felt like the Soup Nazi in Seinfeld. Cheryl Schwartz, Food Nazi: Not exactly how I want to be remembered.
I started making up words for broke that don’t exist. Broke-osity. Broke-hood. Broke-dom. And of course broke-ness. I don’t know why I started doing it. Maybe it’s a symptom of early onset dementia. Have the adverse effects of Prilosec and sugar started to kick in? Did I not drink enough wine? Am I turning into Woody Allen?
Maybe I should pretend I’m a moth, put mustard on my sweaters, and have them for dinner. The ones from Gap, not the cashmere. If my sweaters were food, I could eat for the rest of my life. Just maybe I’ll be okay if I cut out my unnecessary spending. A budget: who, me? I always thought a budget was a kind of parakeet. What the hell was I thinking? Talk about uncharted territory; this is going to be my biggest challenge yet. Maybe not the biggest challenge, but it’s certainly high on the list.
Goodbye, Tori Johnson; I’ll miss your Deals and Steals! Farewell, Lululemon! Adios, Victoria’s Secret! Ciao, Godiva! Hello Hershey! No more little splurges. Everything I bought was on sale, but those little splurges added up. No wonder I’m broke. It’s a miracle I wasn’t broke sooner.
What I’m going to miss most are Starbucks aka Starsucks and Dunkin’ Donuts aka Fuckin’ Donuts. I have a love hate relationship with both of these establishments. My sugary drinks are like pizza to me; even when they’re bad, they’re good. I pit them both against each other to get the most attentive customer service; I threaten to take my business to the other and I get a free drink.
I want to buy Daymond John’s book The Power of Broke but according to my new budget, I’m too broke to afford it!
According to Daymond,
“When your back is up against the wall, your bank account is empty, and creativity and passion are the only resources you can afford, success is your only option. Here you’ll learn how to tap into that Power of Broke to scrape, hustle, and dream your way to the top.”
My new mantra: I’m broke right now, but my spirit will never be broken. It won’t be forever. I’ve survived much worse. It’s time to put my memoir in order, which will be the ultimate writing sample. I have to follow my dream. If I don’t do it now, I’ll always regret it.
Onward and upward!
