Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

It was almost Thanksgiving when inside my head
My jawbone was throbbing; my poor tooth was dead

The referral was made by the dentist with care
I wondered if I should just run out of there

Instead I was nestled right into a room
While visions of dollar signs pointed to doom

The assistant took x-rays while I held my finger
The TV had cable, which helped me to linger

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
I squirmed in the chair, wondering what was the matter

Away to the window I flew like a flash
I wrote out a check; said goodbye to my cash

When what to my terrified eyes should appear
But a bunch of machines, drills, and torturous gear

With the best endodontist, so brilliant and bright
I knew in a moment it would be all right

More rapid than eagles his instruments came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name

Now Forceps, now Tweezers, Let’s go, Novacaine!
On Apex Locator, get rid of her pain!

To the edge of her mouth; to the last tooth of all
Now drill away, drill away! Drill ‘till you fall!

So up to my chair the instruments came
With the savior (ever try to fit “endodontist” twice into a holiday
rhyme?), who smiled and told me his name

And then in a twinkling I heard in my mouth
The whirring and buzzing of roots going south



He was dressed all in scrubs, from his head to his feet
He performed flawlessly, without missing a beat

His eyes; how they twinkled! His dimples. . . don’t ask
I couldn’t be sure – he was wearing a mask

He was patient and nice as he worked very late
While I watched the news and pondered my fate

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread

He spoke a few words, asked if I was okay
He completed the treatment, then called it a day

He gave me a Motrin, and a script for narcotic
Which I filled despite fear I’d be rendered psychotic

And giving a nod, to reception we went
My tooth finally filled; my money well spent

A thought came to mind after we thanked each other
Heredity sucks; I have teeth like my mother

And I heard him exclaim as he moved out of sight
“I’ll see you next week, please take care when you bite”



THANK YOU, DR. L !!!!

Haiku Written During Very Boring Continuing Ed Seminar

Seminar Haiku
Shit; I can’t sneak out of here
Lawyers all around

Lamer every year
Star Wars music followed by
Silent Groans of Pain

Oh, no. Here it comes…
Speaker shows baby photos
They had cameras then?

Claims Departments scam
Reduction of overhead
Allstate is the worst

Uses Collosus and
McKinsey Consulting Firm
Process phony bills

Dental expert spoke
Moderator got free teeth
Didn’t help his looks

Next he hopes to find
Specialist to speak about
Penis extensions

Chiropractors suck
Gaps in treatment aren’t good
Who doesn’t know that

Medical reports
A story in themselves; why
Can’t we write our own?

AMA Guidelines
Loss of enjoyment of life
Need for future care

Final prognosis
How much medical treatment
Did they get supplies?

Which one gets most cash?
The one with the biggest tits
Some things never change

Moses! What a bore!
My greatest accomplishment:
Found Dunkin’ Donuts

Time to plan escape
Leave at lunchtime; stroll back in
After second break

Guest Judge advises
Show up and think positive
Try to stay alert

Not funny at all
He’s no Conan O’Brian
Someone tell him…please!

What’s up with his jaw?
Looks like a marionette
Maybe he has mumps

Counting the bald heads
A time consuming matter
Why am I still here?

(whereupon my haiku was adjourned)

“The Arbitration” An Epic Haiku

Plaintiff’s lawyer asks
“Do you have an extra pen?”
Answers cell; strike one

How can he be so
Ludicrously unprepared?
He just burped- strike two

Defendant objects
Plaintiff has interpreter
Language is unknown

Plaintiff’s lawyer reeks
He’s an open collared slob
Bad cologne-strike three

Plaintiff hit by car
His English is not that bad
Fascinating tale

Brother came to scene
“Do you have car insurance?”
He saw dollar signs

Plaintiff lawyer’s tie
Hideous polyester
White socks, black sneaks…Gah!

Dear Lord, what a schlub
He must be single because
Who would sleep with that?

Defense testifies
He is looking right at me
Wishing he could leave

Mumbling Arabic,
Plaintiff bit Defendant’s ear
Defendant afraid

Tried to call the cops
Plaintiff’s counsel picks his nose
Then scratches his ear

Plaintiff’s cross exam
Defense says “I’m not to blame.”
White socks blinding me

It’s twelve thirty five
Great lunchtime entertainment
Except for his tie

“White Socks” rambles on
Many objections sustained
He’s getting nowhere

Getting bored, I note
He looks like Barney Rubble
I try not to laugh

Will this ever end?
Defendant produces field logs
Whatever they are

Plaintiff did bite him
A modern day version of
Arabic justice?

Closing argument
Interpreter is here but
Hasn’t said a thing

Final inquiry:
What about the bitten cheek-
Where’s the counter claim?

This has gone too long
Tossing papers, talking law
As our stomachs growl

Moral of the case
Jersey drivers can get bit
When they hit a man